At 3am With A Best Friend Spending the Week Over

Archive:  November 3, 2016
I should preface this note by saying that I feel that I have been a bit on the overly vulnerable side whilst writing. I know that quite a few of you enjoy reading these but I think maybe 30 days after the challenge is over I will pull a select group of these messages down for the sake of my own privacy. So if you want to keep reading a particular note or are finding a sentiment encouraging and think you may need to re-visit it. I’d copy and paste that sucker into a word file. There’s just something I need of my own privacy and I’ve given a lot of that up over the last couple of weeks for the sake of an artistic challenge and with the hope of encouraging some of you out there. All that having been said: Thank you everyone for the encouraging notes and letters I’ve been receiving over the last few days. You all mean a lot to me and those I have not replied to are simply being mulled over before sitting down with a cup of coffee and and answer or a thought for you. Hopefully my plans for those moments will come into fruition and your replies will not be buried in my life. Please know that the plan is to reply to everyone. I think I have a tendency to be too publicly vulnerable. Maybe not. Maybe it’s part of who I am as an artist. There is a LOT that many of you don’t know about me, things I have decided to keep buried under the protection of my close friends. But at the same time (like with grieving my Father) I do a lot of things publicly because I feel like some of you benefit from the fact that I choose to bring these issues to light. I am looking long and hard at things I KNOW other people struggle with and those people are not sharing their experiences. I know this because I thrive in reading encouraging testimonials. So I write them for the handful of people who might read them. I expound on them, I try to unwind them, I try to find the pattern, but most of all what I’m hoping is happening is that 1 person is reading these thoughts and finding themselves in the words. I think I may have worn Whitney out with words tonight. We are both so verbal but I haven’t seen her in so long that I just talked and talked and talked and talked. I love her tons. I am so glad that she is here. We are so very similar and so very dissimilar at the same time that it’s always fun to see where the overlaps occur and we are unashamedly us. Side note (and perhaps last comment for today): I have chipped my front bottom teeth and I keep cutting my tongue on the jagged edges (the chips are indiscernible to my eyes but not to my tongue). I would say that the last few Octobers have been unnecessarily stressful and though this year is not at all I still find myself grinding my teeth at night and having to keep myself from violently smashing my teeth around in my mouth. Who knew it was possible but the same thing occurred last October. I really do need to go see a dentist officially but though, by all accounts I could be considered middle class, I am still living under the poverty line and things like dental insurance are not things I am willing to sacrifice my artistic choices over. Getting a full time desk job that does not let me tour is not a valid option. And I know there are tons of you who get understand completely where I come from. But… there is a difference between being poor and living under a spirit of poverty and I have to say I probably relate more to the later rather than the former. THIS is not ok and something I really need to rectify. How do I come to a place where I am not identifying myself with being in debt, or not having enough money to go on cheep and not extravagant vacations? What do I do to make sure I have enough money for necessities like dental work and vitamins or regular doctors visits (I do have health insurance). I don’t know how to come out from under it. But I want to be out from under a “spirit of poverty” for certain. And being under it is not at all an acceptable place for anyone in any culture I believe. To live simply, inexpensively, but extravagantly, and in love: that is the hope. And that is the end for tonight.