Archive: November 1, 2010
I can not believe it’s already November 1st. I am not sure how to process it all. It’s been such and INTENSE year. I can only imagine that there are 2 months of intensity left in it and with 2 months left to book the tour that comes in December and the beginning of January I am feel a tad overwhelmed.
I have a confession to make. Most of you who have known me longer than say 2 or 3 years have at one point seen me as a very driven person. I’ve toured across the country over 8 times, many of them by myself, I have released quite a few cds, and I have been very administrative when I was in Fresno. Booking tons of shows, going to tons of shows, hiding myself away when I was too tired to be exposed only to leave on another 3 month tour and hide myself away when I got home again. It was at the very least 8 hours a day of hard labor. When I got home I would grab a part time job at Tower Records and work until the next tour or promote the Local Music scene through the store.
I have to admit that I don’t have much of a voice in this town. The city is just different (and this is a warning to all you musicians that are toying with the idea of moving to Nashville) than other cities. Had I not felt called here I would have left the moment I broke up with my boyfriend. But I did and I do. So where do I fit? I just don’t know.
I don’t really feel like I fit in with a lot of the musicians in the city. I DO really relate more to the visual artists here and to musicians who are not from Nashville. It seems the only true answer would be to tour like a Mother. But my administration gifts have gone positively missing.
As I do most days. I miss my local scene of Fresno. I miss the handmade posters (new for every show (in Nashville most people use those pre-printed posters you get from Disk Makers)). I miss the punk rock mindset about shows in general. I miss the leather. The loud talking. The wonderfully outspoken opinions of the people who thrive within the scene. “No! Art is THIS!…” I am not criticizing Nashville on this account. I’d just like to figure out a way to start an uprising. To turn the soil. And to do it without fear.
In the last year, for some reason, though I have grown in so many ways, I must confess that I have become very afraid. I don’t know the source. I can’t put my finger on it. But it’s not a characteristic I am at all accustomed to. I am accustomed to taking the world by storm and making no apologizes for that. I am accustomed to doing what looks on the outside is an absolutely crazy move and taking risks that don’t make sense. And as a result the world has always been my oyster.
So why am I taking such tentative steps toward being that person again? This is something I don’t understand. But it’s got to be fear of the future if I’m going to attempt to put a name on it. I feel such an immense desire to continue to play music. To be like a star in the sky, crying out against the darkness, that when I let myself feel it, the emotion overcomes me. It is buried deep in my chest. Constantly calling me toward itself. I can not escape it. It’s part of who I am.
But I don’t have clear vision for the future. And that’s not something I can say I’ve ever struggled with. This blindness toward what’s coming is absolutely driving me crazy. I need that still small voice to give me some perspective. But it’s not there… not now anyways. And so I press on towards intimacy and hope. And I get ready for Christmas like I do every year and hope for a part time job to help me supplement my income as I get ready for this tour. And I hope that the path will be made clear.
Oh yeah, and that my administrative gifts will be restored (or that I’ll have a new manager soon) so that I can stay organized while I am not it.
For those of you in Nashville btw: Nate Allen and Insomniac Folklore will be playing a house show. They are very fun and very very not Nashville. I can’t go because I need to make some money… but if you can… your senses will be jarred and you will have a good time if you let yourself 🙂 You can find out the location by way of a little digging and a phone call HERE.
Love you guys. Go with gusto!