Deep Breaths. Deep Deep Breaths. | Kat Jones & The Prophets

Archive:  November 1, 2010
I can not believe it’s already November 1st.  I am not sure how to process it all.  It’s been such and INTENSE year.  I can only imagine that there are 2 months of intensity left in it and with 2 months left to book the tour that comes in December and the beginning of January I am feel a tad overwhelmed.


I have a confession to make.  Most of you who have known me longer than say 2 or 3 years have at one point seen me as a very driven person.  I’ve toured across the country over 8 times, many of them by myself, I have released quite a few cds, and I have been very administrative when I was in Fresno.  Booking tons of shows, going to tons of shows, hiding myself away when I was too tired to be exposed only to leave on another 3 month tour and hide myself away when I got home again.  It was at the very least 8 hours a day of hard labor.  When I got home I would grab a part time job at Tower Records and work until the next tour or promote the Local Music scene through the store.

I have to admit that I don’t have much of a voice in this town.  The city is just different (and this is a warning to all you musicians that are toying with the idea of moving to Nashville) than other cities.  Had I not felt called here I would have left the moment I broke up with my boyfriend.  But I did and I do.  So where do I fit?  I just don’t know.

I don’t really feel like I fit in with a lot of the musicians in the city.  I DO really relate more to the visual artists here and to musicians who are not from Nashville.  It seems the only true answer would be to tour like a Mother.  But my administration gifts have gone positively missing.

As I do most days.  I miss my local scene of Fresno.  I miss the handmade posters (new for every show (in Nashville most people use those pre-printed posters you get from Disk Makers)).  I miss the punk rock mindset about shows in general.  I miss the leather.  The loud talking.  The wonderfully outspoken opinions of the people who thrive within the scene.  “No!  Art is THIS!…”  I am not criticizing Nashville on this account.  I’d just like to figure out a way to start an uprising.  To turn the soil.  And to do it without fear.

In the last year, for some reason, though I have grown in so many ways, I must confess that I have become very afraid.  I don’t know the source.  I can’t put my finger on it.  But it’s not a characteristic I am at all accustomed to.  I am accustomed to taking the world by storm and making no apologizes for that.  I am accustomed to doing what looks on the outside is an absolutely crazy move and taking risks that don’t make sense.  And as a result the world has always been my oyster.

So why am I taking such tentative steps toward being that person again?  This is something I don’t understand.  But it’s got to be fear of the future if I’m going to attempt to put a name on it.  I feel such an immense desire to continue to play music.  To be like a star in the sky, crying out against the darkness, that when I let myself feel it, the emotion overcomes me.  It is buried deep in my chest.  Constantly calling me toward itself.  I can not escape it.  It’s part of who I am.

But I don’t have clear vision for the future.  And that’s not something I can say I’ve ever struggled with.  This blindness toward what’s coming is absolutely driving me crazy.  I need that still small voice to give me some perspective.  But it’s not there… not now anyways.  And so I press on towards intimacy and hope.  And I get ready for Christmas like I do every year and hope for a part time job to help me supplement my income as I get ready for this tour.  And I hope that the path will be made clear.

Oh yeah, and that my administrative gifts will be restored  (or that I’ll have a new manager soon) so that I can stay organized while I am not it.

For those of you in Nashville btw:  Nate Allen and Insomniac Folklore will be playing a house show.  They are very fun and very very not Nashville.  I can’t go because I need to make some money… but if you can… your senses will be jarred and you will have a good time if you let yourself 🙂  You can find out the location by way of a little digging and a phone call HERE.

Love you guys.  Go with gusto!